Hello !!!
So , I have gone wonky skipping on my life journey. I am allowing my heart to lead me and completely thwarting away my head , like a socialite playfully thwarts the air saying "Oh ! you silly you!"
For years prudence and pragmatism have driven my car. (As they should, under any normal circumstances) . Years have seen me as the dependable shoulder, carrying the burden of life with aplomb. Most often my "why me?" question was answered with " Because you are perfect for ...blah blah blah "
And I was always perfect, always achieving and .....always tired. I was tired of wearing the tiara of "good".
No one suffered more than me in this perpetual pursuit of perfection. You remember that video game we played as kids, where the wolf has to catch the eggs in the basket ? As one progressed the levels, the eggs kept falling faster and faster and the wolf went crazy trying to catch them all. Like this vicious cycle , my benchmark for work went on rising everytime, and the eggs kept on coming faster and faster, and I kept on trying to catch it all. Until one day, the tiara broke and I dropped the basket.
I stood panting by the door of my bedroom, unable to breathe and at the verge of collapse. The only words which came were "Take me to the hospital". All this, after just correcting four papers out of a bundle of 200. I was diagnosed with a slip disc, kidney stones, a haywire hormonal pattern and a bipolar syndrome (if the psychiatrist was to be believed).
So I decided to stop. Pause and breathe. Go back to the simplicity which life had once offered.
I put in my papers at work and simply stopped teaching. My school life had ended.
With that preamble, let me come to the bed, the bra and the bananas. What are these ? and why this combination ?
Let's start with the bed. The bed has lured me for years. I was forever the early riser, waking up at insane hours for work. Life as a teacher began early and was relentless in it's pace. I looked longingly at the bed. "Just a few more winks...Just a few more minutes of shut eye please!", I begged. But, life was harsh and unforgiving. Day after day the routine crushed me. The bed went on to become 'the one' coveted prize at the top of a steep hill which I kept on climbing and climbing without ever reaching the top. Such was the malaise that I woke up insanely early even on holidays, walking around without purpose, for hours. I wanted that bed, that sleep, that rest.
On a hiatus now, I rushed longingly to my bed. Finally, I had arrived where I wanted to be. Finally I could sleep whenever I wanted, how-much-ever I wanted.
Sleep eluded me. I wasn't tired enough to doze. I looked pityfully at the bed. It wasn't what I wanted it to be. It just lay there, no longer inviting. Just a symbol of misplaced desires. I longed for the bed because the mind was exhausted, shackled. Now the mind was fresh, active and buzzing to find the next mountain to climb. Life often builds such longings in my mind, I raise things to a pedestal of desire. Yet most such desires are momentary. the longing is often misplaced. What is constant is my striving for happiness and peace. That I believe, is sort of unshakable. Doesnt change much.
Ahhhh ! are we at the 'Bra' already ? The sauciest of the words in this post.
The moment I would be back from school, the very first thing I would do was to discard the bra. It had come to represent everything that I loathed. Shackles, societal insistence and suffocation. Once home, I was in my comfort zone, liberated from the pressure the straps exerted. Free from the feeling of being tied back. I would don my pyjamas and remain so, for the rest of the day, shirking away from going out or doing anything outdoorsy. The bra landed in the laundry and stayed there for the rest of the day.
At home now, the freedom of going braless, was the secret bubble of happiness which filled my bosom. Day one saw me taking a bath late and standing in front of my wardrobe, contemplating what to wear. I settled for my dependable denims and tee and..... yes, the bra! Now why would I do that ? maybe because I intended to go out for a while, or maybe I didn't want to feel underdressed and shabby for the whole day ? I don't know the answer. What I know is , that the bra went on, and remained on. When I reached for the bed at the end of the day, I realised with a small mental yelp that the bra was still there ! And it has remained there doing its job of supporting me every single day ever since.
So what changed ? How did loathing turn to liking ? To be honest, I still don't know. I can only speculate that, now that the mind and the body were both settled, less tired and more happy, the pressure curve had shifted. The pressures of yore no longer felt the same. Infact , a lot of things which were the representation of intense dislike were just harmless little objects offering no threat to my sanity anymore.
Now that we have firmy established that this post has no illicit connotations, and the bed, the bra and the bananas are just what they are and nothing more, let's progress to the bananas.
My family loves to eat. We often go foraging at different times of the day to find something to munch on. Often enough it is a packet of chips or cookies which meet the hunger. On days when groceries arrive , we find healthier options which slowly fizzle out as the week progresses.
These days , I visit the veggie shop everyday. There is a fresh bunch of bananas on the table everyday. Bright yellow, smooth, without a speck of brown, the bananas sit invitingly along with apples, grapes and strawberries. The kids are eating at a pace which will put the proverbial pigs to shame.
The veggie guy is surprised by my daily visits. he hasn't seen so much of me in years as he sees me now. He asked me innocently " Is it holiday time at work for you ?". I beamed. Yes it was a holiday. A self created happy bubble I have forced myself into. It defies logic and gives me twinges of anxiety. Yet, I welcome this anxiety. It is filled with the promise of a simpler life. A life which allows me to breathe easy and my pen to flow.
I am sure this is not what you assumed my post would be about.(What did you think I would write about, huh ?) Now that you are at the end of it, I hope you enoyed. So toodles for now and see you all soon!
xxxx
